I never thought that i would be alive still. I had planned on ending it all when i turned 18. Suicide is what im talking about. I still sometimes think that i should have. The thought of eternal damnation is what stopped me. But now that i think about it i wonder? Did i make the right choice in staying alive for this long ? I look inside myself and all that i see is a person that is longing to walk amongest the dead.


What happens when we die ? I want to know so badly. It is driving me insane to think that i am stuck on this earth with all of you. I hate my body my mind and my soul. Im not just saying that. I am thinking it feeling it. every moment that i breath i think back to that day that i made up my mind not to take my own life. Was it really a good choice ? nobody can really answer my question. They all just say that its not my choice if i should die. Then whose is it ? God, my mother, my father ? Who? none of them want me to go but then again none of them wanted me in the first place. I was an accident. I truly believe that i was.


If my mom ad wanted me around and had wanted me to love her and care for her when she gets older. Then she could have shown a little more compassion or even a sliver of emotion that day. The day i came home and my mother had found out that i wanted to kill myself. She looked right at me more like she looked right through me. Not paying any attention to what i was doing or the pain that i felt. I still feel it even now. Ive wanted to know true love. Just so that i would have a reason to go on. But it has yet to come to pass. I wait alone though not sad that i am alone, just hurt that i am still alone.


If there is a god up there i pray that he is listening. Please God please end my life take it from me. So that someone else may use my time. So that someone else may be born and might enjoy the life they were given. I dont enjoy mine. Drugs do not satisfy me, all the alchol in the world can not deter my hunger for everlasting darkness. Shakespeare said it best " To sleep to dream forever more...." Or something like that. Well thats all i have to say its not as though anyone can hear me anyway. I am still a single voice in a crowded room. Crying out but hearing no answer.



To all those out there who feel pain just as i do and cry out for it to end. I HEAR YOU